I didn’t cry at the end of Old Yeller either.

I’ve been waiting a few days after I saw the movie “Marley and Me” to review it for dingy little DUNDERBRAIN! Hoping that a couple days of marination would change my opinion but it didn’t. This movie was like a donkey punch, plain and simple.

I put this movie and “Bridge to Terabithia” on the same shelf of directors that don’t know how to end a freakin movie. Of both movies the first hour and a half or so was awesome, verging on being my favorite movie awesome, then BAM! Comes the donkey punch during the last half hour.

I WILL spoil the ending of this movie for you because I wish someone would have spoiled it for me. If you are truly a masochist and want to find out the grim truth for yourself kindly navigate away from this page and come back after you’ve seen the movie. Otherwise scroll down….

Keep going….

OK, THE DOG FUCKING DIES. How screwed up is that? And the dog doesn’t just die, they kill it. Or, well, “put it to sleep”. But it wasn’t a quick, painless death that happens in reality. They drag this execution out like “Dead Man Walking”.

At first Marley gets sick and it’s really sad and Owen Wilson takes him to the vet and he’s got some stomach flippy problem where his stuff’s all twisted (I don’t know vet terms) and they say he may not make it through the night. So, hopes rise, suspense ensues, and alas POOF! Marley lives. In my humble opinion the movie should have ended there with some nice narrative saying “Things were pretty good for a while after that but eventually we had to put Marley down.” But no. Marley gets sick again, and then, yes, they take it back to the vet and put him down. But they didn’t just put him down, it shows the WHOLE process. It shows the injection. It shows Owen Wilson crying. It flips over to his kids crying at home. EVERYONE in the theater is crying. Then boom, his eyes CLOSE. In slow-mo. WTF is that???

I don’t know what to do with tears, much less being surrounded by them. Thank god my friend that went with me has experience putting dogs to sleep because if he would have started crying too I would have had to make a break for it. I’m not an overly emotional person, like at all, and even though I may seem like a good listener because I space out a lot I’m not good at dealing with crying. I mean it’s like dealing with a friend’s injury, when a friend is truly hurt I’ll cuddle them and let them get it out, but just everyday crying like during movies or over boys and crap I just don’t do.

Don’t go to Marley and Me, wait for it on Blue Ray DVD, or until it comes on cable some Sunday afternoon when you’re too stoned to change the channel. Even at that, stop it when they move to Pennsylvania. Because really, this movie was the funniest movie I had seen in a long time… until it wasn’t anymore. Then it blew smurf balls.