I was just talking to a friend of mine about donuts. He asked if I’d be getting a maple bar and I said “ew no, I’m not 80!” and that sparked a little thought in my little head – why DID old people candy suck so bad? When was this era of inverted taste buds when disgusting was delicious?

My grandparents, as well as those of my friends always had the most effed up candy. Besides the random car key, expired gas card, and used nail file in their candy dish there would be the most dreaded, god awful confections. It was always crap like that weird maple candy that would come in black or orange wrappers people would hand out at Halloween, little cellophane wrapped chunks of black licorice, sugar free spearmint gum, horehound hard candy, peppermint whirls… there weren’t any starburst, now-and-laters, or any other neatly individually wrapped candy that would work just as well and cost about the same.

My dad’s parents did keep a stash of snickers in the kitchen but I knew where they hid them. Still they’d eat the crappy candy, it’s like those were the actual treats. They were the candies they grew up with because back then they didn’t have starburst flavor, just
crap like tree bark and roots.

Just sayin.