In my 29 years on this lonely little planet I’ve dabbled into just about every social scene – Or dated someone from every social scene rather (who you callin a HO?). The only thing I’ve never delved into were the Dude/Bro’s. Dude/Bro’s have always fascinated me, but I’ve never been cool enough to be one. Or built enough, rather. Ever since I went all anorexic and lost my baby weight my junior year of high school I’ve been a twig. No muscle definition, some gushy parts… not terribly fit. Things have changed now since the community rec center is only a block away and $9 to join.
When I think of a Dude/Bro I think of a frat boy that’s long since graduated from college, has some mid to higher level corporate job, usually wearing polo shirts with khaki shorts and a backturned hat, drinking a beer while driving a boat saying “tits”. I LOVE these guys because they always have the BEST parties… and they usually end up doing CRAZY stuff when they drink.
Pause.
So what would it take for me to become a Dude/Bro? I think an enjoyment of beer is a prerequisite, so there’s one point for me. However the AMMOUNT of beer that you have to enjoy may be a bit out of my range. Dude/Bro’s are the only guys in their 30’s that still do keg stands. Honestly I can’t even remember the last time I actually shotguned a beer. I can shoot tequila like it’s nobody’s business, but if I drink two beers in half an hour I feel like I’m going to explode. Besides, who the HELL is going to lift over six and a half feet and 230lbs of Justin upside down so I can do a keg stand? That REALLY doesn’t sound like the safest idea to me.
The next I think would probably be an abnormal attraction to football and/or other sports. For one, I HATE basketball. I almost gave a fat old man at the gym a dumbbell to the head the other day for interrupting my zen to ask if I played basketball, then to tell me that I’d probably be really good at it. Really man? Why the HELL didn’t I think of that already? Being a giant this is something that has plagued my life since my friend’s dad suggested signing me up for basketball. Little did he know I was a faggy little kid and just wanted to play with my action figures. And yeah, they were action figures. I didn’t play with my dolls, I kept them on a shelf. I’ve never really understood Football. I really don’t even know all the rules. When I was in high school my cousin who I lived with was a football coach so we basically had a revolving door to all the football jocks in the area. I think I *had* to hate them to keep from drooling over them.
Above beer and football the next quality HAS to be the Dude/Bro language. It’s like Cheech and Chong meets Animal House with every sentence beginning, ending, or both with dude, bro, or both. It isn’t said like “bro” though, it’s pronounced like “brah”. And you have to say it a lot. I think my new social experiment will be to interject a conversation with “brah” and see what happens.
Honestly I don’t think I could keep a straight face.
If you’re really intent on re-inventing yourself in this way, also make a not to lose your sense of style, and at least half your IQ.
Further top tips available on request.